Kirk Explains the Illogical Strip Clubs
by hazel260
Summary: The Enterprise crew is on shore leave on Alpha Carinae V, where Bones, Kirk, and Spock visit a strip club. A classic Kirk/Spock conversation ensues...Rated T for the obvious mention of strip clubs, the usual curses of Dr. McCoy, and slash. Oneshot.


**Summary:** The Enterprise crew is on shore leave on Alpha Carinae V, where Bones, Kirk, and Spock visit a **cough** strip club. A classic Kirk/Spock conversation ensues...Rated T for the obvious mention of strip clubs, the usual curses of Dr. McCoy, and slash. Oneshot.

**A/N:** I know Spock really isn't so...sexually unaware, if that's what you would call it. However, I wrote this between 4 and 6 AM (without any sleep), so I cannot be blamed for how odd it is. =/ A line or two of this just sort of popped into my head after viewing TONS of Spirk fanart while talking online with my bffl and fellow Spirk supporter. Ignore my horrible job of trying to write Scotty's accent. I think this fic is kind of cute and funny, no matter how weird, so I'm posting it. Please PM or comment on it because I would like to hear anything you have to say. Just no gay-bashing, alright? Hazel260 out! **giggles as she thinks of Kirk on his communicator**

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"These places you call 'strip clubs'...They are highly illogical," deadpanned Spock as the first officer and his captain exited the most popular strip club on Alpha Carinae V. The streets outside were quiet and deserted compared to the loud music and mass of males of all kinds of species that they had left inside. The early morning sky was an endless black, and the air was warm. The Enterprise had decided to take a well-earned shore leave here for a few hours.

"Nonsense, Mr. Spock. They are perfectly logical," said Kirk with his typical smirk, pausing not even five feet from the doorway to turn and look at Spock. The Vulcan was forced to stop, as well, lest he run into his captain.

"I don't understand, Captain. What kind of emotion are these institutes supposed to effect?"

Kirk put his right hand against the wall and crossed his left foot behind his right ankle, relaxed and entirely prepared to give Spock the "when a boy likes a girl" speech.

"Well, Mr. Spo-"

"Damn it, Jim!" exclaimed Dr. McCoy as he ran out of the doors of the club, furious. "I'm a doctor, not your nanny. You have to tell me when you just up and-" He stopped short as he noticed the position of his two shipmates.

"Relax, Bones. We're not missing anything much. Go on and enjoy yourself. We'll be fine out here," said Kirk coolly.

"Damn right, I'm sure you will..." muttered McCoy as he turned around and went inside the club once more. There was a long silence before Kirk continued from where he'd left off.

"Where was I? Oh yes, you see, men sometimes-"

"Captain?"

"What, Spock?" asked Kirk, slightly frustrated at being interrupted again.

"When you say men, do you limit this to only human males?"

Kirk sighed. "No, Spock. Most male species enjoy going to strip clubs."

"Alright, you may continue." Spock clasped his hands behind his back.

"Well, you see, males often enjoy female companionship." Kirk waved his left hand about lazily as he talked. "And they-"

"Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock?"

"Why do they enjoy female companions? What is so wrong with males?"

"Nothing, Spock! It's just that the majority of males prefer females over other men."

"I see," said Spock, a bit doubtful.

"Anyway, males, when in the company of females, tend to, how should I say this, long for things stronger than friendship."

"What do they long for, Captain?"

Kirk stood upright, his eyes wide, quite taken aback by this simple question. "They - I - erm," stuttered Kirk. He collected himself and put a hand on his first officer's shoulder. "We'll discuss that at another time, Mr. Spock." He removed his hand to place it by his side. "Furthermore, men do not always have someone to go to when they...long for this...especially men who travel a lot."

"Males like us, Captain?"

Kirk's eyebrows shot up. "Well, I guess...But I was not specifically referring to us, per say."

"Who were you referring to, then, Captain?"

"NEVER MIND THAT, MR. SPOCK!" James Tiberius Kirk would not stand for more interruptions. He threw up his hands in aggravation.

"I apologize, Captain," said Spock, who had learned long ago that it was sometimes best to agree with Kirk when he was tense. After all, Jim was a very stubborn man.

"That's alright, Mr. Spock. As I was saying, these men need someone to go to when they have this, eh, desire. Sometimes this desire is so strong that they do not care who they go to."

"Is that when they go to males?"

'NO, SPOCK! A relationship between two males is perfectly normal and not a last resort!" Kirk burst out.

"If you say so, Captain."

Kirk sighed again. "As I said before, they need someone to go to, not always someone they know. This is when the man would visit a strip club or hire a prostitute."

"Captain?"

"Yes, Spock?" asked Kirk, trying to be patient as he now realized he would have to put up with these interruptions.

"What is a prostitute?" If Kirk hadn't known better, he would have thought the naive Vulcan was joking.

"It is a person, typically female, who the male pays to...help him achieve this desire."

"Of course, Captain." Spock had learned that money often ruled the human world.

"And by doing such, the male's desire is achieved. The emotions he experiences, to say the least, are quite satisfying."

"I enjoy satisfaction," agreed Spock, who still didn't really know what was going on, much less what his words really meant.

"You do?" Kirk raised his eyebrows again, both shocked and a little impressed. "Oh. Well, I guess you would know, with Pon Farr and all."

"What does Pon Farr have to do with this?"

"Erm, well..." Captain Kirk couldn't remember ever stuttering this much. "What a Vulcan male needs to survive during Pon Farr is this same strong desire other males often have."

"Fascinating."

"You think so?" Kirk smirked and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" whispered Kirk, taking a step closer. His breath was warm in Spock's pointed ear.

"Is something wrong with your eyebrows?"

Before Kirk could react, his communicator alerted him to an incoming message. He sighed, took a step back, removed the communicator from his pocket, and flipped it open.

"What?!?"

"Captain, Scotty 'ere." The engineer did not seem to be phased by Kirk's unusual response. "Shore leave is ahlmost over. Would ya and Mr. Spock care ta be beamed ahboard now?"

"How much longer do we have left, Mr. Scott?"

"Ahbout an 'our, sir."

Kirk looked up and searched Spock's emotionless face. "I believe we will wait until then. Thank you, Scotty. Kirk out." He flipped the communicator closed and shoved it back in his pocket.

"But Captain?"

"Yes?"

"What do you suppose we do in our remaining hour? Please do not suggest visiting the strip club again."

"Why is that, Spock?" Kirk laughed, smacking the Vulcan on the back. "You don't enjoy the dancers?"

"Not particularly, Jim."

Kirk seemed slightly shocked. Whether this was because of Spock's aversion to exotic dancers or the fact that he had called the captain by his first name, he wasn't sure. "Well then," said Kirk decisively, grabbing Spock's left bicep and leading him down the street in the direction they had been going. "I'm sure we can find something to occupy our time with."

"Such as?"

"Well, you and me - we're lucky, Spock. We don't have to go very far for companionship."

"So you are suggesting we see the strippers again, Captain?" Spock seemed as unhappy as a Vulcan possibly could.

"Of course not, Spock. Wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." Kirk turned down the next block and soon reached the automatic doors of a large, classy hotel. The doors slid open in front of them as Kirk continued to drag Spock inside.

"Are you planning to rent a room, Captain?"

Without answering him, Kirk steered him towards the front counter, got the key to the largest, most expensive suite from the bored employee on duty, and proceeded to run up the stairs to the top floor, Spock in tow. Both breathless by the time they reached the room, Kirk slid in the key card and threw open the unlocked door before turning around to smile at the Vulcan.

"Ready to achieve your desires, Spock?"

"Anything for you, Jim, even if it is highly illogical."

Kirk pushed him into the room, kicking the door closed behind them as he leapt on Spock, jamming their lips together. After a long moment of passionate kissing, Kirk came up for air. He winked at Spock.

"Not everything has to be logical, my friend."


End file.
